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- You can play it safe, or you can be happy
In 3 words, I’ll explain why my baseball career wasn’t successful:
Bracing for failure.
In his book Zen in the Art of Archery, Eugene Herigel details his struggles on his path to master archery. One day, over a cup of tea, his teacher explained what his problem was:
“The right shot at the right moment does not come because you do not let go of yourself. You do not wait for fulfillment, but brace yourself for failure.”
You do not let go of yourself.
Instead of surrendering to the moment and trusting in all my training, I would let myself get swept up in every little mistake, how I looked to others, and how I felt.
I couldn’t let go of myself and enjoy the game I lived and breathed with so much love.
You do not wait for fulfillment, but brace yourself for failure.
I had no conviction in the abilities I worked so hard to acquire.
Instead of failure being a spot on the side of the road I hardly thought about, it was more often than not the destination in front of me that I was trying to actively avoid.
But roads are straight, and the destination directly in front of you is going to be the one you likely reach in the heat of the moment, whether that’s your goal or not.
But long after my playing career, I found some sage advice that I live by, and it will save me from ever failing again in such a disgraceful way:
“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky put it more simply: “What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.”
It isn’t Stoic or practical to open yourself up to love or success enough for it to break your heart if you fail, but it is human.
After all, the true measure of a life well lived isn’t productivity, but impact and experience.
As C.S. Lewis later observed, some of Jesus Christ’s last words were “Why hast thou forsaken me?”
Even the son of God was not above heartbreak.
He couldn’t be above heartbreak, because his life was based on its complement:
Love.
To truly love anything — a woman, a sport, or mankind — is to invite the potential for heartbreak.
It’s the price you must pay in the pursuit of lasting love and success.
“Do you have a soulmate?” Will Hunting is asked by his therapist Sean Maguire in the film Good Will Hunting.
“Someone who opens things up for you — touches your soul,” he continues.
Will is a genius and has a good heart, but he never applies himself. He self-sabotages whenever the time comes to apply for a great job or pursue a romantic relationship.
Sean realizes Will’s potential, and in addressing him, he addresses the all too common phenomenon of self-sabotage that’s rampant in society:
“You’ll never have that kind of love in a world where you’re always afraid to take the first step because all you see is every negative thing ten miles down the road.”
During the story, Will does fall in love and this is where Sean’s observation is most apparent. After an amazing first date, Will does exactly what you’d expect him to do: he doesn’t call back or make plans to see the girl again.
WILL: “Yeah, but this girl is like, you know, beautiful. She’s smart. She’s funny. She’s different from most of the girls I’ve been with.”
SEAN: “So call her up, Romeo.”
WILL: “Why? So I can realize she’s not that smart, that she’s fucking boring? Y’know... I mean… this girl is fuckin’ perfect right now, I don’t wanna ruin that.”
SEAN: “Maybe you’re perfect right now. Maybe you don’t want to ruin that. I think that’s a super philosophy, Will. That way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody.”
The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.
Suddenly those words make a lot more sense.
This turning point has come up in every significant pursuit in my life.
Art.
Love.
Work.
Athletics.
People are so afraid to say “Hey! Remember that thing I tried my absolute best at and wouldn’t shut up about? Well, I FAILED!”
“The business I sunk so much time and money into? Yea, didn’t work.”
“That girl or guy I trusted with my life? Cheated, stole, and lied.”
But isn’t that love? Isn’t that better than half-assing it and blaming something or someone else?
But I get it. Hedging works. It protects you from humiliation and shame, which are harmless but seem like the end of the world in the moment.
If you give a half-hearted effort and things don’t work out, the emotional toll isn’t as steep. You can also make excuses forever that seem logical.
If I wasn’t so tired back then…
If the timing had been better…
If the market wasn’t terrible when I started…
I think that’s a super philosophy, Will. That way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody…
or anything…
or YOURSELF.
But there’s another possibility:
You DON’T love it.
If you agree with what I’ve said so far — that there are no safe investments, that the perfect circumstances don’t exist, and that heartbreak and love are inseparable — and you STILL don’t go for it, then congrats!
You don’t care!
Which is great! It’s a good thing to recognize because life is full of so many people, jobs, and passions for you to settle for anything less than what you love.
So once you recognize the things you don’t care about, plan your escape route.
Begin to set these things aside and instead look for the things that light a fire inside of you.
Blind yourself to failure and go for it!
You are inviting potential heartbreak, but that’s ok. In doing so, you will also be giving yourself the only chance at real, lasting love and success.
It will be the most difficult thing you do, but it will be worth it.
Be brave and take that chance.
You deserve it.
Quotes are nice, but if you haven’t watched Good Will Hunting, watch these scenes I pulled the quotes from to get a better idea of the emotions behind the words.
And then watch the entire film if you want to change your life.