The Art of Selfishness

A lot of people haven’t learned how to be selfish.

I’m not talking about the “dog eat dog”, zero-sum mentality many people have. That’s stupid and pointless. The selfishness I’m referring to is harmless. In fact, this selfishness will make you a better person.

It’s about focusing on your important thoughts and ideas, and giving them the time and space they need — no matter where you are or what you’re doing.

Sometimes you need to lock the door for the night, hang up the phone mid-conversation, or ignore anyone in your vicinity if you have a thought you need to explore.

Anyone who has had a great idea knows how delicate and fickle they are. Friends and family can wait every so often; that’s the grace that love buys you.

But ideas don’t love you.

They are agents of resistance that will disappear in a second if you don’t get them down immediately.

This is not advice for when you have a good idea for lunch tomorrow’s lunch. Unless you’re a chef, forgetting something like that won’t haunt you. But letting a good idea for your next screenplay or a new campaign idea for your startup go unexplored will keep you up for nights on end.

The trick is to go all in — distribute your selfishness unforgivingly.

After all, being unforgiving with your boundaries is the easiest way to gain someone’s acceptance.

For those who are more timid, Ryan Holiday once mentioned a trick that helped him in his younger years:

One of the best rules that would help every single person on the planet is this:

I have a rule that whenever my own needs conflict with what others want from me, I will put myself first.

I can already hear the objections to this rule: “Mothers, first responders, and teachers can’t exactly stop doing their jobs because it becomes less convenient.”

That’s not what I’m saying. Most of the time, your responsibilities to others are important. But there comes a small percentage of time where your own well-being supersedes even these things.

Mothers get sick and need someone to watch the baby for a few days while they seek medical help.

Teachers need vacations and time away from children every once in a while.

First responders work extreme hours any given day, but they also have extended rest periods, like firefighters' unique shifts.

These periods of tending to one’s own needs are not despite your responsibilities, but it is necessary so that you can attend to your job to the best of your ability.

If I were deprived of the ability to explore my ideas with writing and storytelling, I would be miserable. What good would a miserable, self-loathing person be to his loved ones? All the selflessness in the world wouldn’t make a person like that bearable to be around.

So I take my time and space when my soul demands it. I tend to my needs so that I can show up purged of any would-be resentment.

As Steve Kamb told Ryan Holiday, hide behind your rules. It’s reminiscent of Jocko Willink’s idea that “discipline equals freedom”.

When people know your rules and boundaries, you give them the choice to respect them or to leave. And whichever path they choose, you’re all better off for it.

If you enjoyed this, forward it to a friend!

If you were sent this, click here to subscribe.

If you were sent this, click here to subscribe.

I'd love to hear what you thought of this week’s newsletter! Reply here with any thoughts.

Also, I’m always on the hunt for new stories, so if you ever come across an article, book, movie, documentary, folktale, youtube video, instagram post etc. that I would find interesting, send it my way! That’s an easy way to make my day.